Sex after a fight: why is it so good and is it worth doing it regularly
In English, the term “make-up sex” is used for sex after a quarrel. It is understood that he reconciles partners. Plus he’s incredibly hot. But is intimacy so good for solving problems in a couple? Let’s figure it out.
Why you want sex in the midst of an argument
Although the sudden heat of passion during a quarrel, when aggression develops into excitement, is, in general, more of a cinematic scenario, it still has a scientific explanation.
During swearing, we experience a cocktail of feelings: here and resentment, and jealousy, and anger. And the body reacts to stress unambiguously: it throws adrenaline and norepinephrine into the blood of twin brothers. They increase blood pressure, saturate cells with oxygen, and facilitate breathing.
The aggression we feel is associated with the activation of the hypothalamus, where, by a happy coincidence, the center of sexual arousal is located.
In Sexuality, Love and Gestalt, psychologist Brigitte Martel describes the inextricable link between these phenomena: “The brain uses the same neurohormonal pathways to control both types of behavior – sexual and aggressive.” In this case, aggression does not even have to be sublimated, you can simply switch from it to desire as at the snap of your fingers.Read also
Gestalt therapists place great emphasis on the distinction between aggression and violence. The second is necessary for the abuse of one’s own power, the first – initiates contact between partners, makes each of them move within the framework of the condition “I exist, and I have certain needs, but I also accept that you exist too.”
In other words, it is healthy aggression that allows us to formulate and express our desires. Admit it, it’s hard to imagine sex without it.
Another hormone that makes itself felt during an argument is testosterone. Directly influencing the formation of sexual desire, it plays a fundamental role in the aggressive behavior of both men and women.
Along with this, the evolutionarily inherent need to leave offspring in a situation that threatens relations is also triggered. It is triggered by the hormone dopamine, which affects the enhancement of sexual and aggressive behavior (by the way, in the future, it can be synthesized into the already familiar norepinephrine, the circle is closed).
Interestingly, he also participates in two processes that are central to romantic relationships: reinforces positive motivation for sex and forms feelings of love and affection between partners.Read also
It turns out that sex, the reason for which was a quarrel, is a real life-saving pill for a relationship, which simultaneously increases sexual desire and strengthens the love connection between partners?
I would like to, but no.
Why you shouldn’t end a fight with sex
Returning to the terminology: if we carry out an allegory with makeup (from the English make up – to apply makeup), which, in the global sense, performs two functions – disguises flaws and emphasizes advantages, then sex after a quarrel is, unfortunately, rather the first option. Why is he so bad?
1. Dependence on the “quarrel-sex” pattern
The rapid switch between anger and desire puts partners on an emotional swing. In contrast to sex outside the typically aggressive context, intimacy after an argument feels like a breath of fresh air.
Taking pleasure in negative emotions leads some couples to artificially create reasons for collisions, just to feel the same emotions again.
However, the body gradually adjusts to the current realities, emotions are normalized, and these conflicts are no longer enough to activate desire.Read also
But what is said to each other during a quarrel does not disappear anywhere. But, if the first few times sex can really help to let go of the situation, exhale and calm down, then the further into the forest, the worse it works.
2. Trying to satisfy emotional hunger in a relationship
“Forced” intimacy often becomes the last attempt to reanimate a relationship in which partners no longer feel the same love and emotional connection.
Unfortunately, the effect of sex after a fight does not extend to protracted conflicts, the tension from which builds up for months and years. And if this is the only kind of intimacy between partners, it is worth considering the value of the relationship itself.
Plus, sex after a fight works differently for men and women. For men, the intensity of passions helps to get excited by the release of adrenaline and testosterone into the bloodstream. But for a woman, such sex may not become desirable – the likelihood of “getting stuck” in a conflict and not feeling sufficient emotional closeness for sexual arousal is too high.
3. Sex does not solve the problem
Conflict provoking sex begins with an impulse, continues with a climax, and ends with a resolution phase. This is why everything looks and feels so organic – very much like a full cycle of sexual interaction.
However, the feeling of emptiness and happiness after reconciliatory sex is deceiving, because unresolved conflict remains in the relationship even after the best orgasms. And if it is not worked out on time, it will surely come up again, and conciliatory sex is unlikely to cope with it.
How to make up without sex
Having sex after a fight can have a positive effect on relationships. The key is: don’t have sex if you’re still angry with your partner. It is better to first resolve the conflict, and only then consolidate the result with proximity.
Canadian relationship researcher Samantha Joel argues that partners feel the most affection and attraction for their significant other when the conflict is resolved.
And if we were to talk about hormones again, we would describe their work at this moment as one huge mechanism of relief. Something like, “The relationship may not have survived this fight, but it ended well, so we can still get people to have sex.”